Friday, March 19, 2010

Letting Go...

With each new triumph or development in the life of my children also comes the process of loosening my grip on them as individuals and the process feels very natural.  Today I dropped Trent off at his first sleepover and was excited for his independence.  He packed his own bag this morning and had all of his things set up by the garage door by 7:30 am (we didn't have to leave until 5 pm).  We counted down the hours, then minutes, until he would leave and it felt good to see him walk up the driveway with his buddy with nothing more than a "Bye Mommy... love you!"

Sometimes people express concern that my children are homeschooled.  Things like "they need to develop their own identity" and "don't you worry about them not learning responsibility?"  To this all I can say is, the proof is in the pudding.  Trent and Kate ARE independent, curious, responsible and developing character.  They are just doing so under my supervision versus another adult.  Today was one of those moments that I was able to step back and be proud of the independent and capable children that they are becoming.  And, to recognize that the process of letting go is God's intended plan for me as a parent.  I think knowing that my children were never ours to begin with - that Dustin and I are given the privilege to parent God's children, whom He created with specific abilities and talents for His glory, just for a time - gives me great freedom.

But letting go is harder to do when I've not had the opportunity to stretch out my arms and snuggle and hold my child.  Learning to let go and allow God to care for our sweet Penny in these months when we do not have her in our arms is not as natural as the process of letting go of my other children.  I am finding myself laying the life of my sweet little girl, whom I have not yet laid eyes on, at the foot of the cross each and every day since we named her.  I feel a bit like Abraham leading his son, Isaac, up the mountain in obedience to God's voice.  I know that Penny is His child.  I know that He will be faithful and just.  I am learning to let go before I've been allowed to hold on and there is a strange and sorrowful Joy in the process.  Something is special and meaningful in allowing God to be Penny's and my "all in all" as the song goes:

You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all.

Seeking you as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my all in all.

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